"Flurgleflumpf," you mutter into your pillowcase as the soothing tones of Katie Hopkins - making her debut appearance as a newsreader on Radio 4 - awaken you.

"...and as the government deny they're about to do a U-turn on granting human rights to furries, police expect more than a million protestors to march past parliament later this afternoon. In other news, Brad Pitt has announced his retirement from acting, announcing plans to open his own puppy farm in.."

Feeling relieved that you managed to negotiate your way through last night's office party without getting slut-shamed, hospitalised or abducted, you collapse out of bed and shuffle down the stairs, pausing for a moment only to accidentally tread on your cat.

Noting with just a little sadness that none of the party-goers seem to have made it back to your flat, you fill the kettle and try to put your thoughts in order. For today is no ordinary day, but a very special day indeed.

Yes, today is your twenty-somethingth birthday. Many happy returns, and all that, but surely you aren't going to spend the whole day sitting around on the sofa, watching ancient episodes of Animal Hospital - like last time...?

If you decide to sit down at your computer, and make another heroic effort to improve your PP profile, TURN TO PAGE 47.

If you decide to knock on your new neighbour's door and, whoever answers, ask to be taken for a walk, TURN TO PAGE 112.

If you decide to rummage around under the sofa cushions, TURN TO PAGE 17.