Pup ██████'s Ramblings - III - Conflicting minds

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PupRedacted

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Published On Friday, March 22, 2019
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Pup play for me is a journey of self improvement directed by my handler. My desire to please him, as he knows what I need, drives a cycle around which my life, not only as a pup, revolves

Hear how I’m failing · Sorrow · Understand my failures · Work to overcome · Make my handler proud · Raise my self-confidence · Reflect on my changes

As I navigated my understanding I realized that many of my failures to comply with my handler wishes is that I’m often on two minds: I call them ego and pup.

When I speak about minds, I mean mindsets or perspectives. These are not different personalities battling a mic, it’s more of shoulder angel & devil, but on a less simplistic way.

One of the reasons I choose to became a pup was I was too self-centred. I had achieved a lot thanks to it, but I wasn’t happy with my life nor with myself. Then I met this charming guy, a little cocky, but with such wit that gained my trust everyday a little more. Mistakes were avoided thanks to him taking the wheel. He became my boyfriend, then my master and when I couldn’t handle subspace, my handler.

Ego is the name I gave the mind that challenges my handler, the one that thinks that I’m right and he’s wrong, that I don’t deserve to be treated like a dog and nothing shall stop me from getting what I want, the one that makes me an anxious micromanager day-to-day. However, I’m still fond of it, it shows the best I can do under pressure and adrenaline. It’s the visor I see through when I stand alone in front of the goal, during the hard exams and when only a fence protects me from racing car debri.

Pup is the self I want to fully be. It’s the calm opposed to my chaotic past, focused on complying instead of planning, happy with the smaller things, the one that knows that I must obey my handler because he gives me not what I want but what I need. But always there’s a drawback: I’ve became too dependent, lately I’ve felt lost more times than ever before, and if I don’t get orders I’m useless for a while before I do a mental switch.

I’m a unfinished piece on my handler’s workshop and have a unfinished wiring, but we have time to get it sorted, this is just a sneak pic of the insides. I hope he manages to allow me to switch back and forth between ego and pup, make ego gentler, weaker but functional as work-mode and pup stronger, self-reliant and yet calmer. A self-controlled blank mind switch would be appreciated too.

I dream of having a psychologist assessing my psyche regularly, it’d leave a permanent tale about the making of a piece that once was, because once I’m not here anymore nobody will know the unique work my handler had done on me. I don’t mind going to oblivion, but my handler and his work shall not.

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