Struggling stray

Published 4 years ago

1 bark

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Since i moved out of my parents house and into my partners, I've realised I have very few actual friends I see regularly. Even less since i moved to a city where I only knew my partner. I've always worked in pubs and bars, so I find socialising with strangers easier than with my actual friends. However this isn't helpful when I want to have a rant to someone, and alot of what I want to rant about I feel are private issues that I dont want to discuss with my friends let alone strangers. So I've come here in the hopes to at least rant to someone.

I'll start with what I can tell anybody.

My job is shit. I used to love it, but my boss changed. And now my new boss barely shows up for work. Which because I don't have a drivers license, means I can't work.Three weeks ago he went to Jamaica for two weeks, without telling me he was going. So for two weeks I was left to babysit two arrogant, lazy 18 year olds. What made it worse is that the bosses partner was supposed to pay me, and she thinks I'm on less money than I am. This wouldn't be a problem, but my boss NEVER answers his phone. I can leave him 20 calls, and he'll wonder why I'm annoyed that I can't reach him. Last week he didn't show up at all, and always had an excuse. This week he didn't turn up the first two days, with excuses. But today he said we were working. So I went to where he said he'd pick me up. He was an hour late and not even a text. All I got was a whatsapp message saying he would be thirty minutes because he was loading the van, still over an hour late. I still haven't heard from him, and he won't answer his phone. He currently owes me over £100, and hasn't paid me on time, or the full amount for the last thirteen weeks. Then I get a snotty phone call from his partner (who isn't involved in the business, so it's none of her business) for looking for other jobs. Who then calls me unproffesional for calling my boss unreliable.

So that's what I can tell anyone.

What I don't want to tell people is how it's affected me. For a start I'm occasionally  stress eating, which I've never done before. And I'm also drinking alot more. Often during the day, on my own when my partner's at work, then hiding it by the time she gets home. And on top of this, I've been looking for another job for months, but nothing ever comes back except  unpaid trial shifts or volunteer work. I can't even afford my hobbies anymore. That coupled with no friends in this city pretty much means most days I sit at home in the hope that my boss can be bothered to come to work. My partner refers to me as a "I'm going to" person, because I have all these things I want to do but just can't afford them because of this shit job. And I hate being the person that never does what he says he will, I just don't have a choice right now.

This might not be so bad if I could actually engage in pup play. My partner does not like it. She tries, like calling me onto the bed and giving me scratches and belly rubs, but I know she doesn't like it so I don't push it on her. Also she hates pup gear, which i don't mind, it's just unfortunate. So this is why I identify as a stray even though I'm in a relationship. For now posting on here is the closest I'll get to having a pack.

Finally, and this is the biggy. Members of my family have a problem with my bisexuality. My partner has know for ages, she's bi herself. But at christmas I drunkenly told my brother and sister, and their girlfriend/boyfriend. My sister constantly makes jokes about my sexuality, then gets defensive and plays the victim when I tell her to stop because "it was only a joke".They didn't seem to mind and I said I'd tell the rest of the family in my own time. Then my sister outed me at new years to the whole family. WHEN I WASN'T EVEN THERE. So my parents later sit me down. My dad didn't care, but my mum had a load of problems. She started asking really personal questions about whether I'd had sex with men, which I told her were none of her business. But that just made her annoyed as if she has a right to know about my sex life. She then says she doesn't like bisexuals (no problem with gays by the way) because they just cheat on their partners, which I told her was bulshit but I doubt she believes me. She then goes on how all bi people have group sex, and then starts saying how group sex is morally wrong. Forgetting that straight  people also do those things, alot. She even had a go at me for telling my uncle before her. I told him because I knew he's one of the most tolerant in the family, as much as they like to believe they are. Then everything was fine until this weekend. We were having a party at my uncles for my cousin going to uni. She was leaving early, but the party was still going. So out of politeness me and my partner asked her if we could announce our engagement. So we did and everyone was really happy. My mum amd grandma cried, and my uncle got the champagne while my partner showed off the ring. And then that's when my mum starts telling me that this means I'm straight. Me and my partner are both bi. So I tell her, I'm still bi. My partner tells her I'm still bi. But she says that if I marry a  woman I have to be straight, and if I marry a man I have to be gay, and that's the end of it. Even when I tell her I'm getting married, she has to use it as a way of making everything fit into her little black and white world view. But it's a party so I leave it alone. I haven't spoken to my mum since the party. Don't particularly want to for a while. And then she gets annoyed that I don't go round very often. It's because of her and my sister. But if i say that I'm a horrible person. So I'm happy to reside myself to having to drink to be around them, because then I can at least pretend to forget the things they say to me. 

As far as I know, only a coule of my close friends know about my sexuality and they're fine with it. Allbeit they were shocked because they had no idea. Probably because of the way I act. But my sexuality has made me lose relationships with people I cared about at the time. And even turned my last girlfriend pretty abusive and violent towards me at times. But I thought it was my fault for being bi.

Rant over, if you read this far I'm sorry it was so long. And you may as well drop me a message at this point.



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