I apologise that this will be quite personal, but these are thoughts I've been trying to understand and I hope by writing them here it will help.

I've been wondering recently, why have I been able to do this now. Why was I finally able to accept I want to partake in pup play, yet alone consider socialising as a pup. (Which I am working myself up to.) I'd skirted around the idea for over a year but always stopped myself. What changed? Why was I finally able to take the first steps?

The easiest answer would be time. Just enough time had passed for me to know this couldn't be ignored. And this is certainly a factor, but knowing me I'd never had considered joining a site like this until I was so sure of myself that I'd know exactly who pup me was.

It was the blogs that actually drew me in to taking the plunge by joing here. A couple stick out in my head. I wanted to be able to do things exactly like this. I wanted to know more and I wanted to feel like I belong, using comments, messages and barks to feel connected.

The thing that sticks out to me was the wanting to belong.

When I think of the weeks around my coming to this site the part that rings out is I discovered my Mum was very ill. I felt vulnerable and at the same time I was moving into a flat where for the first I'd live completely alone far away from my parents. (Although I've lived away from them for some years).

I think the blogs made me believe I could just escape into a new life, a new headspace by simply embracing what i'd previously resisted. Surprisingly, this worked for a while. Whenever I was alone or with my bf, I was a pup. And the hood really helped when I got that. And when I was a pup I was free.

Then a couple weeks ago, I learnt Mum won't get better. Since then I've been unable to just escape into being a pup.  There have been points where I've managed to get into the headapace. And I've been so happy when I have, but more than ever I want to be a part of the larger community. 

In the moments where I am able to be a pup I feel alone. I'm begging to the moon for anyone to just be with me. To give me a stroke, tell me I'm a good boy and make me feel like a pup. It doesn't take long before reality comes back I wonder if I am actually just a fake who doesnt understand what being a pup is in the slightest.

I hope that interacting with others will help keep the negative thoughts away. But moreover I hope I can find a better balance. No longer using the pup headspace to escape, but also being able to switch off and enjoy being a pup more frequently.  It is as a result of alot of the thoughts above that I am really starting to know my pupsona better. Yes I want to bound around, chase balls, have strokes, belly rubs, scritches. But I also want to curl up between a loving owners legs, or rest my head on them and just be a happy, sleepy, relaxed pup lapping up and oozing love from those around me. Maybe it'll happen one day.

Has anyone else had their general life push them into, or pull then away from, being able to access their pup headspace? Did you have a moment that made you say, yes this is me?

Also, any recommendations of fairly easy going first events try?

As a closing remark, sorry that all my posts probably seem down beat and way too serious.