Putting feelings into words

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Pup Archie

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Published On Wednesday, November 27, 2019
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Lately I feel sorta.. no, really miserable and I struggle to express myself properly because of it. I'm still living at my parents' place while saving up for an apartment, and my psychiatrist made my mom talk to my stepdad (who has been wrecking my mental health, violating me verbally and physically for years). He somewhat understood that I was feeling terrible, and we had an entire week, where everything worked out. It finally felt like a family to me, and everything in my head felt like it was starting to improve. I actually enjoyed an evening with stepdad where we watched that weekly disney show (which in danish is called something like "Disney Fun"). The same evening I found out that my stepdad had invited my stepbrother, let's call him Ken, whom I can't fucking stand. I'll tell you why in a minute. I thought he was just coming to fix the basement, which he purposely ruined so he could "rebuild it", but then ran away with some chick, blocked and talked shit about my parents. My mom comes upstairs and is like "Ken's gonna sleep here for a couple of days". I didn't recall hearing her prepare the guestroom / her aterlier, but turns out he's sleeping in the sleeping couch I bought for my future apartment. A bed I haven't even sat in myself. I got furious because first of all, they didn't even ask me, even when after all I paid for it with my own money and brought it home. Second of all, he's a smoker and I can't stand the smell of cigarette smoke on furniture. My stepdad brushed it off and said we could just buy a new mattress, which I don't need. 

The past month I've barely been able to enjoy dinner, as Ken and my stepdad is yelling over everyone around the table, only talking about work and projects they might never finish. A month prior the dinner table was where you discussed plans, sometimes feelings, what happened that day. There was actually space for everyone. Recently it's also been quite a hit for them to treat and talk to my mom as if she's worthless, and the ritual is to tear me down completely and make fun of me for anything, really. Mostly about my bodytype, mental health or being trans.

Ken really eats everything we have in the house. Even if I spent my own money on it, my stepdad calls me egoistic, tells me that he's allowed to because I eat like a pig anyways. My stepdad got a habit of calling me fat too, despite I rarely eat any sugar and fats and lost 40 pounds in 9 months. I weigh the least in the family, except my 10 year old brother. 

Ken is a 35 year old who acts like he's 14 and better than everyone else. Eats everything, steals tools from my dad, makes a mess everwhere he goes and is really naive when it comes to people of the opposite gender. He wont allow my mom or stepdad to talk to anyone but him when he's around. He doesn't do any housechores at all (It's a rule when people live here) And tries to raise my 10 year old brother when my stepdad, mom or I am telling him something. It's not Ken's business whatsoever. He makes constant annoying noises, chews with open mouth and tries to join my discussions with my mom. The slightest complain about Ken leads to my dad degrading me and threatening me. I'm sick and tired of this.

With every single day passing, it just feels as if I'm getting more and more worthless and irrelevant to my family.. It has gone to the point where my BPD and mental health makes it hard for me to tell my partner / Handler what I feel or need. Instead I just blow up or break down, because I can't control these overwhelming feelings. I tried to sit down and explain it to him yesterday, but I ended up getting really really upset and went to sleep. 

I just really want to move already, so I don't have to feel so alone and trapped in a place like this. My mom, grandma and brother are the only sane people in my life.

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